TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he really should halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a aspect currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting attention from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based Trump Tower Damascus on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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